Thomas Wictor

A while back I learned a new phrase: “the Internet of things.” Here’s the actual definition.

The Internet of Things (IoT) is a scenario in which objects, animals or people are provided with unique identifiers and the ability to transfer data over a network without requiring human-to-human or human-to-computer interaction. IoT has evolved from the convergence of wireless technologies, micro-electromechanical systems (MEMS) and the Internet.

Basicially everything would be interconnected. There are pros and cons, of course. The main issue with the IoT is that if we’re all hooked up, we can all be hacked. If your pacemaker is connected to the Internet, someone can create a virus that will kill you.

And you’d better believe someone would do that. When he was arrested, he’d be some bug-eyed freak with terrible personal hygiene. His defense attorney would say he didn’t mean to create a program that would stop pacemakers, and he didn’t mean to upload it to the Internet.

To me “the Internet of things” means an Internet full of things. Creepy-crawlies. Hideous mutants. Like this one, who wanted to friend me on Facebook tonight.

“Bernard Alice”? A woman named Bernard, and she’s from Ghana. That’s in West Africa, you know. So I did what I always do and used Google Images. First I went to Bernard’s Facebook page and downloaded “her” photos. Here’s the first one.

And here’s the second one.

Not your typical West African. The reason is because the photos are of a porn model named Blueyed Cass. You can Google her if you want. She poses partially nude, and I guess if you pay her, she does the full Monty. For whatever reason, Ghanian con artists use her images a lot.

Believe it or not, men fall for it. The scam culminates in Bernard saying “she” has to get some gold bars out of the country, but she needs you to send “her” money first.

“Well, hell! Sure thing! I’m gonna be rich and have a hot white Ghanian girlfriend! Guh-hyuck!”

Mary Vanessa B Altum hasn’t given up on me yet. She sent me this at exactly the same time that Bernard asked to friend me.

Now I’m “dearie,” a word all young American women use. I climbed onto my roof to take my photo of the clouds, and when I came back inside and went online, I saw this thing on my homepage.

No, “skinny pills” aren’t going to make you look like that. You need breast implants; human growth hormone; steroids; a giant oven to give you that crispy, golden-brown skin; and severe dehydration. Despite that magnificent booty, she’s going to have lethal halitosis from the dehydration. Her breath will smell like a hippo’s booty, in fact.

I’ve saved a couple of e-mails I got that show just what idiots we’ve become. The Third World scammers are phoning it in now, but their BS obviously works, or else they wouldn’t do it.

That’s nearly beyond belief in its sheer derangement, but this one is even more…beyond belief-ish.

Furniture polish and Ebonics. All you can say is, “Interesting. GET ME OUT OF HERE!”

I went to a conservative blog that’s featured my work a few times. When I clicked a link, I got this message.

Guys, what’s going on? As Thomas Pynchon would put it, you’re making me feel like an eh-hiss-hey-will. I just wanted to read a story! Why the hostility?

So I went somewhere else to find the story, and I saw these things.

Those are Wahabbist terrorists, subjects of the new Islamic Caliphate. The Dweezil Zappa lookalike on the left is a buffoon with no trigger discipline. If that truck hits a bump, he’s going to fire off the entire magazine of his rifle. He’s what we call “cannon fodder,” an untrained clown who was given a gun and will last under a minute on the battlefield. Hopefully he’ll accidentally shoot twenty of his colleagues in the head before he himself is blown to bits.

From the story about the new Islamic Caliphate, I surfed to a slide show about angry Muslims. What other kind are there? The caption of the photo below perfectly illustrates the mindset: “A Kashmiri Shia Muslim shouts anti-U.S. and anti-Israel slogans during a protest against the al-Qaida breakaway group Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant[.]”

Go plug your sandwich-hole, Abdul. You’re insane. Besides, you guys say you love death, so what’re you shrieking about? The Middle East is becoming a colossal conveyor belt to the hereafter. It’s what you want, isn’t it? The US and Israel are on the sidelines; this is a purely Muslim party. We pulled out all our troops, remember? And now you’re showing the world what you do when left to your own devices. Free will, sweetheart. Can’t blame anybody but yourselves.

Keep smilin’!