Thomas Wictor

Fountain Hills, Arizona—Maricopa Country Sheriff Joe Arpaio was taken completely by surprise yesterday when pig-human hybrids and robots with stupendous breasts blocked Shea Boulevard in an attempt to prevent thought-criminals from access to the ravings of satanic world-destroyer and Republican presidential candidate Donald J. Trump. Global mayhem ensued, due to the sheer size of the protest.

“Operation Moronic Implosion was 100 percent successful,” said organizer Maria Abdul O’Tanaka-Epstein. “Trump fled the country, didn’t he? So there you go. Our only remaining task is liquidating the 200 million Americans who are beyond salvation. The rest will enter our reeducation camps in Chicago, Los Angeles, Minneapolis, and Tehran. That is, if they know what’s good for them.”

Mayhem caught on film

Tragedy was narrowly averted when a nativist radical rammed his sports utility vehicle through the wall of trained operatives and pig-human hybrids.

“Our deputies were simply unable to react,” Sheriff Arpaio explained. “Those pig-shrieks function as a kind of organic LRAD. They scrambled our men’s brains. We just weren’t prepared to have the tables turned on us that way.”

The LRAD is the long-range acoustic device that law enforcement and the military have adopted for crowd control.

“We created a grass-roots LRAD,” said Enormous BMs president Capuchin Kusmuk. “And we don’t use the term ‘pig-human hybrid.’ We call them ‘toong-arr-bing-kik-loof-loof-loofs.’ Why? Because we’re not racists, of course.”

Mayhem and tears

Having inadvertently rendered the deputies immobile, the toong-arr-bing-kik-loof-loof-loofs attempted to cry the careening sports utility vehicle to a stop.

“We are powerful, independent women,” said protestor Sandra Kummerspeck. “Do you have any smelling salts? I’ve been triggered, and I feel a faint coming on. Catch me!”

After the vehicle had passed, a toong-arr-bing-kik-loof-loof-loof cast an Acne Curse with its trotter.

The Acne Curse requires years of practice to develop the necessary lung power. According to Sheriff Arpaio, one toong-arr-bing-kik-loof-loof-loof lost her entire head of hair when it was inhaled by the spell caster.

Both toong-arr-bing-kik-loof-loof-loofs refused medical treatment.

“One was scalped, and the other has a chest full of blonde hair,” said an unidentified paramedic. “But they’re both fine with it, so I’m off for a beer. Toodles.”

Mayhem and…something

After the sports utility vehicle sped away, two men began performing for a man who filmed them.

“Not in the road,” Sergeant Miguel Cosa warned them.

“Please make them stop. Please!” Cheryl Aquatica sobbed to a nearby police officer.

“I’m sorry, Ma’am,” the officer replied. “I can’t even look.”

“Oh, for— They don’t pay me enough for this!” Sergeant Cosa shouted before sprinting to his patrol car and roaring off.

A woman with her own gravitational field arrived.

To prevent vehicles from being pulled into orbit around her, the protesters sent in their secret weapons.

Mayhem and robots

The first robot was attached to a car as an anchor.

This wispy, androgynous apparatus lacked mass. Since cars were in danger of becoming locked into permanent orbit around the planet-woman, deputies removed the genderless robot while the toong-arr-bing-kik-loof-loof-loofs hooted, gibbered, and retched in rapture, their collective heart beating audibly.

Then a robot with the requisite…heft was deployed.

Mayhem and gazongas

Boy, does this robot have heft!

They even gave it a name: Jacinta Gonzales. ¡Carràmba!

¿Qué?

And a “Soros Justice Fellow”? That don’t look like no fellow I ever seen! HAW!

Jacinta is twenty-six the way I’m twenty-six. Since she graduated from college in ’07, she’s actually at least thirty-two. It’s odd that her manufacturers would give her such a magnificent body and then forget to install software that allows her to express emotion.

For her big moment, Jacinta took the trouble to wear a tight T-shirt and painted-on jeans with no underwear, but her flat affect shows that she’s, well, completely off her rocker.

Here’s her delusional, fascistic video about how Donald Trump should not be allow to speak publicly because of his racism.

Why did she laugh when she said “homophobia”? And she was processed? Into what? Chicken nuggets? If she had a personality inside that body, I wouldn’t object to dusting her with flour, dunking her in beaten egg, and battering her up.

Just kidding. She makes me sick. When you watch a video of someone talking, look for what are called “micro expressions,” which are unconscious. Jacinta is talking about the terrible tragedy of the US enforcing its immigration laws, but look at her face.

Sly, conniving, smirking witch. A real piece of work. And she’s thirty-six if she’s a day.

Malfunctioning robot Jacinta Gonzales is the racist. She doesn’t see the people below as humans with their own minds.

Race-pigs are the cruelest people in our culture. They put their fellow Americans in virtual prisons. Imagine being so evil that you’ll excommunicate someone for not conforming to racial stereotypes. I hate race-pigs. They ruin lives because of DNA.

Speaking of DNA, I wonder what geneticists would have to say about this kid, arrested with Jacinta Gonzales?

Why so sad, Tall Head? You shut down Trump forever! Hurrah!

Mayhem benefits Trump

I feel silly having to say this, but all you fascists trying to take away others’ right to choose? You’re GUARANTEEING that Trump will be the next president. Why is that impossible for you to grasp? I mean, fine by me, but your stupidity is mortifying. And it bodes ill for our future.

Nobody has to support Trump. If he loses, I’ll live. If you don’t like him, I’ll still like you. My support is based 100 percent on his infiltration of the American political system.

I recently bought a World War I postcard that was a mystery. It made no sense at all. Today, I finally identified the men. They’re infiltrators who went behind enemy lines and wreaked absolute havoc. Such men are currently winning the war in Syria. It takes a special kind of person willing to operate outside the normal parameters. Infiltrators have to rely on their wits, skills, and judgment. Unlike boobalicious robots, they shun the group.

Infiltrators don’t need to be given orders. They generally blaze their own trails. It can end in disaster, as Stephen Crane wrote in my favorite poem.

There were many who went in huddled procession,
They knew not whither;
But, at any rate, success or calamity
Would attend all in equality.
There was one who sought a new road.
He went into direful thickets,
And ultimately he died thus, alone;
But they said he had courage.

I’m not afraid of dying, nor am I afraid of dying alone. The courage of infiltrators is what I admire the most.

Here’s the postcard I identified today.

Two Turks, and in the center, an old Bulgarian. Each man has a carbine, two pistols, and at least one dagger.

I want to be an old Bulgarian when I grow up.

Imagine what he would’ve done to human pigs and robots who interfered with his life in any way.

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