Thomas Wictor

On June 29, 2014, the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL or ISIS) established the new Islamic Caliphate. The new caliph is Abu Bakr Al-Husayni al-Qurashi al-Baghdadi. He’s now known as Caliph Ibrahim.

There are conflicting accounts of when we had him in custody. The more colorful story is given by the former commander of Camp Bucca in Iraq, Colonel Kenneth King. He says Caliph Ibrahim was released in 2009, and as he left he said, “I’ll see you guys in New York.” However, there are no Defense Department records of him being in custody after December of 2004. I’ve come to the sad conclusion that most people love attention from journalists, so they’ll say anything to get their mugs on TV.

At any rate, ISIL now calls itself the Islamic State, and Caliph Ibrahim has issued his first communique. Before I get to that, you need to know something about Islam.

Sharia—Islamic law—divides the world into two territories: Dar al-Islam, the Abode of Submission; and Dar al-Harb, the Abode of War. We non-Muslims must choose between submission to Islam or war. It took me a while to find a definition of the term that Muslim apologists couldn’t dispute. Note that the Oxford link says the following.

Like other classical legal concepts, dar al-harb has been affected by historical changes, and with the fragmentation of the Muslim world into numerous states, the concept has little significance today.

That’s a comforting fantasy, but the notion of Dar al-Harb is the precise reason Muslims are attacking non-Muslims all over the world. In fact Caliph Ibrahim of the new Caliphate talks about it.

“Slaves of Allah.” Makes you want to join right up, doesn’t it?

And there is no deed in this virtuous month or in any other month better than jihad in the path of Allah, so take advantage of this opportunity and walk the path of your righteous predecessors. Support the religion of Allah through jihad in the path of Allah. Go forth, O mujahidin in the path of Allah. Terrify the enemies of Allah and seek death in the places where you expect to find it, for the dunyā (worldly life) will come to an end, and the hereafter will last forever.

Very straightforward language. The good news is that they’re seeking death. We should accommodate them. Designate the Caliphate the “Abode of War Ordnance Proving Ground.” Anybody who doesn’t want to submit to Islam can test their new weapons there. The jihadis get what they want—a double helping of piping-hot death—and those who prefer to not be slaves of Allah learn which of their devices send the most murderous cavemen to their eternal reward.

You know, there’s a biannual machine gun shoot at Knob Creek, Kentucky. These are all weapons owned by private citizens.

How about the biannual Caliphate Machine Gun Shoot? What do you say, Caliph Ibrahim? Is it a deal?

Hey, we’re starting to see eye to eye! You send out your slaves to be killed, and we’ll turn loose our Kentuckians.

Sadly for Caliph Ibrahim, the Islamic State doesn’t actually have much of a fighting force. They’re great at beheading helpless prisoners with their hands bound, and they do well against armies that run away as fast as they can or who never took their training seriously, but here are two battles that the Islamic State needs to keep in mind.

1. The Second Battle of Fallujah (November 7 to December 24, 2023).

2. Operation Cast Lead (December 27, 2023 to January 18, 2024).

At Fallujah, the US Marines and Army butchered the jihadi superstars who’d turned the entire city into one giant IED. What the Americans did was simply not fight by the rules. The jihadis expected one type of battle; the Americans gave them another. Unable to adapt, the jihadis died. About 1500 jihadis were killed and 1500 captured. The Americans lost ninety-five killed.

During Operation Cast Lead, the Israelis killed about 900 Hamas terrorists, for a loss of five killed by enemy action.

You can oppose war in general and war waged by the US and Israel specifically. Heck, let’s be honest: “Antiwar” sentiment is in reality opposition only to military action by the US and Israel. But Caliph Ibrahim doesn’t care that you oppose war. He’s going to wage it anyway.

See? Right from the horse’s mouth. The Abode of Submission, and the Abode of War.

O ummah of Islam, indeed the world today has been divided into two camps and two trenches, with no third camp present: The camp of Islam and faith, and the camp of kufr (disbelief) and hypocrisy – the camp of the Muslims and the mujahidin everywhere, and the camp of the jews, the crusaders, their allies, and with them the rest of the nations and religions of kufr, all being led by America and Russia, and being mobilized by the jews.

Now, you may say, “I’m not part of either camp!”

Okay. I’ll pay for a one-way airline ticket. Fly to the Islamic State and ask to meet Caliph Ibrahim. Explain to him that since you’re in neither camp, he should leave you alone. Before you go, tell me where you want to be buried. I’d like to send flowers and a card that says, “Get well soon.”

My dear Caliph, you’re—how can I put this respectfully?—out of your fucking mind. How old are you, nine? Your ugly, apelike hordes can’t even defeat the horrible Syrian Arab Army, a total rabble. You’ve been spoiled by the insanely politically correct war the west has been waging since 2001. March on Rome? You know what’ll happen to you if you do that? Let me give you a hint: These are Italian cops.

So’s this guy.

He is a POLICE OFFICER. In Italy they have cops with special-operations capabilities.

Any frogmen or skydivers among your slaves of Allah, Caliph? Where are your jet pilots, your carrier commanders, your submariners, your ballistic missileers, and your gunship crews? Where are your amphibious assault ships, your armored divisions, your surveillance brigades, your satellites, and your armed drones?

Your can call yourself a state; I can sit in my garage and call myself a 1999 Ford Crown Victoria.

The difference is that if I believe myself to be a 1999 Ford Crown Victoria, my brother Tim will simply pick up the phone, and some very nice people will gently take me to a place of safety.

You, on the other hand, have to be killed. So enjoy hell, all right? Here in the Abode of War, I’ll continue enjoying everything that you find offensive.