Today I learned about optimizing the Website. The reason my Website is invisible to search engines is because certain things have to be done to make search engines happy. Why?

“Because that’s the way it is.”

As a child I got that answer from my father whenever I’d ask why we had to do something I saw as arbitrary. It’s about exercising power over others. To get optimal search-engine results, I need to put in the keywords for my site, which are “Thomas Wictor” and Ghosts and Ballyhoo. I have to use them enough but not too much. The links can have these keywords, as can the meta descriptions and tags. I think. Hover your courser over a link to see the link descriptions. These count as uses of the keywords “T.W.” and G and B.

I must also use headings.

These make search engines even happier. They tell the search engines that my site is worthy of being included in their exalted rankings. It’s a huge privilege to be included on a search engine. See, I was an idiot. I thought that since I’m the only Thom Ass Wic Tor with the only www.my-name-here.com, my Website would appear at the top of the search-engine results. But I was wrong. We have to jump through many hoops in order to make sure that our silly little Websites make it onto search engines.

Headings 2 are also required.

This shows search engines that the content on your Website is well ordered and worthy of being included in the sanctified search-engine results. So from now on, all my posts must be like this one, or not, or else I will be punished. My punishment will take the form of permanent search-engine obscurity. This would break my heart. After all, the only things that matter to me are search-engine rankings, likes, clicks, and sales of my book Guh-hosts and Bee-yallyhoo.

In closing, I-I-I would like to thank all the Web designers who helped me through this difficult period by taking my money and providing me with top-notch products and support. Thanks especially for signing me up with my excellent hosting company.

Bless all of you.

Compare Ghosts and Ballyhoo with my friend Colonel Supotnitskiy’s book Biological Warfare: Introduction to the Epidemiology of Artificial Epidemic Processes and Biological Lesions.

Colonel Supotnitskiy hasn’t had any problems with his Website or marketing his book. I have no idea why.

Still, I will forge ahead. What other choice do I have?