Thomas Wictor

Yesterday the world was electrified by the news that the IDF had captured a Palestinian bat child in the West Bank village of Nabi Saleh. The video showed the child and his bat-relatives using high-pitched screams as echolocation in order to identify targets for the rocks they threw.

When an Israeli soldier briefly detained the bat child—identified as Desmodus Tamimi, age three—a crowd rushed forward as if it had been waiting for this moment, the whole thing being staged for the cameras, but of course that would not be possible. In the ensuing melee, a second Palestinian bat child was observed drinking the soldier’s blood.

At the time of the scuffle, the IDF was unaware that Desmodus Tamimi was a bat child. Only after studying photos did the investigators of the Israeli Military Advocate General (MAG) Corps conclude that Desmodus Tamimi’s eyes are filmed over, rendering him blind.

Chiropterologist Shlomo Rabbinowitz at the Institute of Animal Science in Beit Dagan explained that the continuous shrieking heard in the video is both echolocation and communication between members of the Tamimi bat clan.

“It might seem strange that the Tamimis would send out blind children to throw rocks at soldiers,” Rabbinowitz said. “But you need to understand that this clan has developed the ability to ‘see’ perfect three-dimensional renderings of the people they target. The secret is the endless screaming. If they stop for even a second, they run headlong into boulders or race into the Mediterranean and drown.”

Previously published videos of Tamimi bat people indicate that they do indeed rely on screaming in order to orient themselves and communicate.

Dr. Mads Gilbert—currently a janitor at the Norwegian Canning Museum—added that screaming also neutralizes dense inert metal explosives (DIME), weapons that do not exist but nevertheless killed 257 billion Palestinians during Operation Protective Edge last summer.

“Screaming causes DIME weapons to freeze in midair,” Gilbert said as he swept. “At Nabi Saleh, the Tamimi clan saved countless lives with their screaming. The DIME weapons remain suspended in the air, reminders of unprecedented Israeli brutality, genocide, cannibalism, halitosis, excessive flatus, and rudeness.”

Gilbert issued a stark warning before departing on his tricycle. “If the Tamimi bat clan ever stops screaming, all those DIME weapons will land on Palestinian children, even those who have not yet been conceived. Can you give me a dollar?”

At Nabi Saleh the Israeli soldier who attempted to detain Desmodus Tamimi was able to dislodge bat child Ahed Tammimi with an ancient Talmudic gesture of protection: The Jamming of the Fingers into the Phiz.

After the soldier freed himself from bat child Ahed Tamimi, he was confronted by an android.

“We must admit that we were caught by surprise,” an IDF source said. “This was a day of shocks for us, due to catastrophic intelligence failures. The Palestinians have deployed androids indistinguishable from humans except for their immobile faces. When you think about it, how important are facial expressions in combat? An expressionless enemy is even more intimidating, since it’s so freaking WEIRD. The last we heard, Palestinian androids were rudimentary at best.”

When the android failed to secure the release of Desmodus Tamimi, the clan summoned the three Gorgons—Sthenno (left, straining to defecate as she embraces the soldier), Medusa (the skeleton in the center), and Euryale (the barking frog at right).

An IDF spokesman who declined to be identified because he couldn’t stop laughing and projectile vomiting described what happened next.

Our troops have been trained to not make eye contact with Medusa Tamimi. As a result, none of our men were turned to stone. However, Agence France Presse photographer Mohammed Mohammed Mohammed Mohammed accidentally gazed upon Medusa Tamimi’s face and was lost. The IDF regrets this tragedy and—I’m sorry. Could you please pass me that bucket and then stand back?

Agence France Presse issued a terse statement.

We hold the Israeli Defense Forces responsible for not blindfolding photographer Mohammed Mohammed Mohammed Mohammed so that he could do his job safely.

A Palestinian source stated that the ossified Mohammed Mohammed Mohammed Mohammed would not be buried.

“We will leave him where he died, as a monument to Zionist brutality, genocide, cannibalism, halitosis, excessive flatus, and rudeness,” the source said.

While the Israeli soldier struggled with bat children Desmodus and Ahed Tamimi, Gorgon Sthenno Tamimi began transforming into a monitor lizard.

Her tongue was seen to emerge and expand, at which point the Israeli commander on scene ordered his men out.

“There’s only so much that we can witness without losing our minds,” the unnamed officer told Israeli newspaper Chazerei. “I mean, really: bat children, androids, Gorgons, fossilized photographers, and human monitor lizards? Let everybody throw rocks and scream. We’re done.”

The Israeli MAG Corps denied that Desmodus Tamimi was targeted specifically for being a bat child.

“The only other bat children in the world are readily identifiable,” a spokesman yelled as loudly as he could to a roomful of sleeping journalists. “The first one was discovered in the United States over twenty years ago.”

“Of course we studied him, but how were we to know that the Tamimi children are bats? Every Palestinian screams all day and all night. Also, the bat child found in the US has gigantic eyes. He isn’t blind. And show me footage of androids, Gorgons, and human monitor lizards. These are developments that no armed force could have anticipated. The Palestinians have ripped a hole in the fabric between dimensions, if you ask me. I have no idea where these things came from.”

The officer was immediately arrested, and the Prime Minister’s office issued an apology.

“Israel does not discriminate against any people, whether they be bats, androids, Gorgons, or monitor lizards. We deplore this officer’s hurtful language, which does not represent the values of the Jewish state.”

Reached for comment in her apartment on Fifth Avenue in New York City, Ahed Tamimi said, “Where’s the camera? YOU’RE SERIOUSLY TELLING ME THAT YOU DIDN’T BRING A CAMERA? Are you insane? Get out!”