Thomas Wictor

Howard Stern gets paid $95 million a year. He has a net worth of $500 million. Here’s how he makes his money.

Elderly Man Wins Sex with Hookers, Chokes to Death Hours Before Prize

The 86-year-old winner of Howard Stern’s “I Want to Get My Grandpa Laid” contest was sadly unable to claim his prize after choking to death on a piece of steak just hours before he was scheduled to have a threesome with two high-class hookers.

“The guy was so full of life,” Johnny Orris’s grandson Ed told the New York Daily News.

It was Ed who entered Grandpa Johnny in the Bad Grandpa tie-in contest, hoping to give the lonely, horny widower one last hurrah.

“He was ecstatic,” said Ed. “He’d been that way ever since our trip to the Stern show.”

The deed was set to be done at the world famous Moonlite BunnyRanch in Mound House, Nevada.

To get his strength up for what he said would be the “Super Bowl of Sex,” Grandpa Johnny treated himself to a steak dinner at Harveys Lake Tahoe resort the night before the big game.

It would be his last meal.

After just a couple of bites of prime rib, Grandpa Johnny started choking.

“It was unbelievable,” Ed recalled. “The paramedics worked on him for 30 minutes. We’re still kinda stunned.”

According to BunnyRanch owner Dennis Hof, so are the bunnies.

“The bunnies loved him,” Hof told TMZ.

“Johnny was a wonderful man,” tweeted Bunny of the Year 2012 Caressa Kisses, one of the two women in Grandpa Johnny’s uneaten hooker sandwich. “It broke my heart!”

The night wasn’t a total loss, however.

Ed told TMZ he ended up using his grandpa’s coupon for free sex in his honor.

What a wonderful story. On every possible level.

Nobody knew the Heimlich maneuver? And how many of us have had sex with prostitutes in honor of a recently deceased grandparent?

“This here woody’s fer you, Grampa! Ah’m gittin’ mah pole waxed in sacred honor of you! God bless ‘n keep you! Amen!”

Howard’s looking a little…unhappy these days. I don’t get it. More money than he can spend, fame, millions of adoring fans. Why so sad looking, Howard?

My former friends “Roger” and “Dolores”—my guides in hell—always told me that I misjudged Howard. Everything he did was satire.

Ah! I understand now! Getting Grandpa laid is a satire of…of…

No, I lied. I don’t have a clue what it’s satirizing, actually.

That’s because it isn’t satire. It’s gross pollution and juvenile nihilism from a man just about to become a senior citizen. Count up everything disgusting, depressing, and degenerate in that story. It has to set some kind of world record.

But that’s fine. We’re all free to choose swinishness if we want. I myself don’t share the urge to be a complete slob with absolutely no class whatsoever.

We have tons of busy little beavers dedicated to tearing down everything and abolishing all standards of behavior. Was being toilet trained really that traumatic for you people? In protest, you have to spend the rest of your lives rebelling against everything that isn’t ugly and debauched?

Whatever. Look at Howard’s face. He’s not one with his fans. The fans aren’t kidding around. They’re the genuine article. Genuine cob rollers. Howard’s $95 mil a year don’t seem to be offsetting his sadness at what he’s wrought.

Too bad, Howard. You made your sty. Now you get to wallow in it.

A study in contrasts

Here’s what I did today. I did a lengthy interview for Fanfare, I had a long conversation with Tim, I ate a bowl of cereal, and then I took photos of the moon. Nothing I did made me sad about what a worthless excuse for a human being I am. I didn’t contribute to the decay of our culture, and I didn’t have sex with prostitutes in honor of a newly dead grandparent.

Howard Stern was paid $260,274 today. I wasn’t paid a penny.

Tonight I’ll sleep soundly. How about you, Howard?