Thomas Wictor

You can think Edward Snowden is a hero or a traitor. Either categorization is accurate, depending on your criteria. The most important thing about him is that he unwittingly created the Snowden Test, which proves that most if not all conspiracy theories are bogus. Choose any one of the many out there.

1. The government is spraying chemtrails.

2. The government was behind 9/11.

3. The government assassinated JFK.

4. The government assassinated RFK.

5. The New World Order controls everything.

6. The government assassinated Martin Luther King.

7. The Clintons murdered Vince Foster.

8. The government created AIDS to kill black people.

9. A flying saucer crashed at Roswell, New Mexico.

10. The moon landings were faked.

11. TWA Flight 800 was bombed or shot down.

12. “Big pharma” is hiding cures for most diseases.

13. Princess Diana was murdered.

14. The government carries out mass shootings to make the population want gun control.

Thank you, Edward

Now, I can rebut each of these conspiracy theories individually, but it isn’t necessary. “Edward Snowden” is the only thing I have to say.

Never mind that Snowden is a liar; for example, he claimed that he trained to join the U.S. Army Special Forces but broke his legs and was discharged. In addition, he was disillusioned because “Most of the people training us seemed pumped up about killing Arabs, not helping anyone.”

Well, Snowden never trained to join the Special Forces, and he obviously knows nothing whatsoever about the fabled Green Berets. Snowden took the General Educational Development (GED) tests. He has no high school diploma. That means he’s not eligible to serve in the U.S. Army Special Forces. End of story.

Also, the main purpose of the Green Berets is as force multipliers and trainers. Think of them as diplomats with guns. They go to a war zone, meet with leaders of the people we support, organize them, and train them to fight. Of course the Green Berets themselves can fight, but they’re not “pumped up about killing” anyone. It’s not surprising that a man ineligible to join them would casually smear them in retaliation.

Read Linda Robinson’s brilliant, engrossing Masters of Chaos: The Secret History of the Special Forces. It’ll show you that Snowden’s description of Green Berets as racist, slobbering killers is laughably childish. It’s what a silly, callow video-gamer would think.

And that’s actually good, because it strengthens the Snowden Test as applied to all conspiracy theories.

Snowden isn’t alone

In my opinion Snowden’s main motivation was to become famous. In 2009 he said the following in a chat room.

WTF NYTIMES
Are they TRYING to start a war?
Jesus christ
they’re like wikileaks
They’re reporting classified shit about an unpopular country surrounded by enemies already engaged in a war and about our interactions with said country regarding planning sovereignity violations of another country
you don’t put that shit in the NEWSPAPER
moreover, who the fuck are the anonymous sources telling them this?
those people should be shot in the balls.

So in 2009 he vehemently opposed leaking classified information.

I believe that Snowden is a vain, narcissistic man who wanted to be on TV and have the world listen to him. This too strengthens the Snowden Test. Most people crave fame and will do just about anything to achieve it. But for the sake of argument, let’s posit that Snowden did what he did both to be famous and for ideological reasons.

According to Snowden’s version of events, he was disillusioned with the U.S. government for years. With all that wrath bubbling around inside his head and bowels, he applied for a job at consulting firm Booz Allen Hamilton, and within three months he’d penetrated the most secret organization in the U.S. government, the National Security Agency (NSA). Not only that, he copied the most classified documents and leaked them.

And he’s apparently got a “doomsday cache” of even more secret documents that he’s holding back as an insurance policy. This is what proves that all the above conspiracy theories are bogus.

Millions of Snowdens

Are you seriously telling me that in three months this fabulist who didn’t even have a high-school diploma could orchestrate the most serious breach of security in U.S. history, but not a single other fame-seeking fabulist or deeply committed idealist has penetrated less-secretive organizations and leaked incontrovertible evidence of far more nefarious activities?

In fifty years not a single Edward Snowden was able prove that the government killed John F. Kennedy?

In twelve years not a single Edward Snowden was able to prove that the government was behind 9/11?

In ten years not a single Edward Snowden was able to prove that George W. Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?

Not a single Edward Snowden has come forward to expose the horror of chemtrails, the shooting down of TWA Flight 800, the murder of Princess Diana, the aliens on ice at Area 51, and so on and so on?

In the case of chemtrails, thousands of people have to be involved. All those aircraft have to be crewed, filled with their poisons, and sent out. There’d be a paper trail eighty thousand miles long. But not one Snowden has exposed even an e-mail. The chemtrail conspiracy is apparently airtight, as are all the others.

Support or condemn Snowden, he proved that the government was doing things that it claimed to not be doing. His motivations don’t matter for the purposes of the Snowden Test. Think of how many patriots there are who would sacrifice everything to prove that the government was behind 9/11. And think of the vast, unprecedented fame and adulation such a whistle-blower would acquire.

There’s no shortage of people who would willingly do what Snowden did. Given the extreme mediocrity of Snowden the man, imagine what a brilliant, educated, idealistic, mature, morally outraged, and pathologically fame-lusting individual could do in exposing the truth behind all these conspiracy theories.

And yet…nothing.

The Snowden Test is a way of sorting out what’s real and what isn’t. We have real problems. However, much of what people fear doesn’t even exist.

Thank Edward Snowden for showing you how to dispense with the nonexistent threats.