Thomas Wictor

Ask Hamas

Ask Hamas

Currently there’s an “Ask Hamas” campaign on Twitter. If you don’t know how Twitter works, you’re not missing anything. Well, that’s not entirely true, so I’ll explain: You put a hashtag (#) in front of a subject, and all the tweets with that keyword are collected in one place. The terrorist organization’s hashtag is “#AskHamas.” You have to write it exactly that way for your tweet to go to where Hamas can read it.

Take it away, Haaretz!

“#AskHamas” Twitter campaign quickly backfires

The English-language social media initiative was designed to make the movement more responsive to social media users.

An attempt by Hamas to improve its image via Twitter appears to have backfired, with critics using the initiative to ridicule the Islamist organization, Business Standard reports…

The campaign was timed to coincide with an expected European Union appeal against removing the group from the EU’s terror list, Hamas said. A European court ordered the removal of Hamas from the bloc’s terror list in December, but the European Union said it would appeal the decision within three months.

An Italian on Twitter was overjoyed that the court had removed Hamas from the European list of terrorist organizations. If you ever open a Twitter account, you’ll find millions of bizarre robots that simply repeat themselves endlessly and ignore your requests to provide evidence for their statements. I read recently that social media makes the mentally unbalanced even worse. This is clearly true. I’ve never come across so many deeply messed-up people.

In the past I engaged them, but now I tell them to stop posting to me, or I’ll block them. With Twitter, you can block anybody, so it’s like you’ve put them into a concrete vault. You can’t hear a thing they say, forever. Unless you unblock them. I rarely block people, but today I had to put two robots into the concrete vault because they were trying to bludgeon me into submission by saying the same thing over and over. It’s a worthless way of arguing. All it does is antagonize your opponent into blocking you.

But as my lawyer says, never look for rationality where there is none. There’s precious little rationality on Twitter. Take my word for it.

Anyway, here’s what I asked Hamas.

Where will this Hamas rocket hit?

A. Israel
B. Los Angeles
C. Gaza City
D. Kill the Jews!


How come the baby looks depressed? Does he know he’s going to die after the billionaire goes back to Qatar?


When did Hamas adopt Appalachian bluegrass clog dancing for their parades?


Why did you paint the windshield of this gun truck? Do Hamas terrorists use echolocation, like bats?


Everyone watching this display of Hamas courage looks upset. Why? Was this photo taken in Tel Aviv?


Why has this man sealed over his mouth and nose? Do Hamas terrorists breathe with their eyeballs?


Is it common in Gaza to see men kissing armed mountain gorillas covered in spinach pasta?


Why train RPG gunners to blow off each others’ heads? Are you preempting the IDF by doing the job yourself?


Did Hamas invent the backward-firing machine gun in order to simplify and speed up the martyrdom process?


How come we never see scenes like this in Israel?


What would happen to a Palestinian if he did this to a Hamas terrorist instead of an Israeli soldier?


How do you avoid getting tennis elbow from beating Palestinian women with sticks?


What’s the ideal age of human shield for each bullet?

1. 5.56×45mm
2. 7.62mmx39mm
3. .308 Winchester


Is screaming “GET OUT OF THE WAY! I HAVE EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA!” effective in combat?

Members of Hamas' security forces march in formation during a graduation ceremony in Gaza

Red Bull gives you wings. Do Palestinian energy drinks give you a really tall head?


Speaking of Appalachian, I’ve always been interested in the music. Here’s an Appalachian JEW’S harp, also called a “Jaw harp.”

And for no reason at all except that I love its utter freakiness, I present John Lennon playing the sloppiest bass-guitar line in history, on “Helter Skelter.”

My band in Japan did a cover of “Helter Skelter.” At the time everyone said I looked like John Lennon.


That was a hundred lifetimes ago. Who are those people?

I should ask Hamas.

Who are those people? Any idea?

A Palestinian fighter from the Izz el-Deen al-Qassam Brigades, the armed wing of the Hamas movement, gestures inside an underground tunnel in Gaza

“Unfortunately I cannot tell you who those people are, Mr. Thomas. I am sorry. Oh, and death to you, please.”

Well, thanks anyway for trying, Mo. Don’t bump your head on the tunnel ceiling or the 5000-lb GBU-28 bunker busters.

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